Uncle Adolf and the family jewels

2006-08-30

Oh Lordy, ain't I in a turrible mood!!?? I ain't got but about 2 hours sleep last night, and then with all the row and ruckus, thet two hours wan't worth a warm bucket o' spit! Y'all already heerd from Opal Rose about what happend, but lemme tell ya, there was a sight more to it than she knows!

See, it all started like this here...

I had settled in fer the night with my man Rocky. Oh, Rocky ain't he's real name, we calls him Rocky 'coz he likes watching thet movie with thet feller who dresses up in wimmen's underwear. I tell you, it is a real Horror Show to see them folks all dressed up strange like thet! But Rocky, he thinks it's jest the cat's pajamas!

So we wuz watchin' thet movie for like the millionth time, and we wuz havin' us some fun too, when all of a sudden in thru the winder comes Uncle Adolf with a bird! Now, Uncle Adolf ain't a person, Uncle Adolf is a cat. We named him thataway cause of all of the turrible things he does to the local critters. Well anyway, thet bird wan't quite daid yet, and when thet cat hit the floor, thet bird jest flies right outta he's mouth! Well, wan't thet somethin'!

Up flies thet bird to the top of the TV, and there goes thet cat, right after it, a-leapin' and a-clawing right acrost the bed! Poor Rocky, he was a-tryin' to pertect himsef, but being handcuffed to the bed made it a mite problematical. Somehow thet cat thot Rocky made the perfeckt launchin' post, and no matter where thet bird landed, Uncle Adolf was right behind it.

Well, of couse, I joined in the chase, 'cause things here been gettin' a mite lean, and it ain't ever day ya gits a live bird delivered to ya to put in the pot! But didn't thet bird lite itse'f on top of the chifferobe? Now, I ain't but 4 feet ten and one half inches tall, and thet chifferobe must be all of about 6 foot high, so's I was hevin' a mite bit o' trubble gittin up there.

Then I remembered me thet Rocky is 'bout 6 feet 5 inches tall! Well hailfires, he could jest reach right up there and fetch thet bird down fer me. Well, iff'n he were let free, he could. So I pondered it a second, and I figgured thet it would be safe enuf, after all, the mans gotta eat too, and I figgered he would jest grab the bird, and then lie back down.

I was tryin' to think it all thru, but didn't thet cat start to lookin' like he was a-gonna jump right up on top o thet chifferobe, and wouldn't thet be the end o dinner tomorrer nite? So's I got the key, and I let Rocky free so's he could catch thet bird.

Now sister thinks I'm too easy-goin' on my menfolk, and mebbe I am, but I shore thot I had thet Rocky trained a mite better'n he turned out to be. 'Coz when I turned him loose, he lit outta thet room like the dogs of Satan were a-chasin' him! He dint even stop to fetch the bird down first!

So I lit out after him, and there we wuz, a-chasin all around the yard. I'll tell you what, we gotta clean some o them old cars outta there, cause they was way too many places fer Rocky to hide. Well I was gettin a mite winded, so I started hollering fer sister to come he'p me out.

"Opal Rose! Opal Rose! Git on out here, and bring the fryin pan!" I hollered.

And here comes Opal Rose out her winder, and ain't THET a sight to see! I looks up and there is a big ol' white moon a-risin' thru her winder! She got a mite stuck, seein as how she's a big girl, but soon enuf, she were out in the yard with me, and we finally gots thet Rocky cornered.

Thank heavens he wuz still in he's high heels, cuz thet slowed him down a mite. So sister and I got hold of he's tender parts, and since he don't weigh much more'n 140 pounds drippin' wet, we wuz able to git him under control, and drag him back to the room. Now, I didn't think the cactus patch wuz on the way, but sister knows best, and so we deetoured a bit to make sure Rocky got the point.

Once't I got him handcuffed to the bed agin, he layed there a pissin and a moanin somethin' fierce! Thet's why I didn't git much sleep, and why it wan't good sleep anyhow.

And wouldn't you know, thet Uncle Adolf used Rocky as a launchin' pad one more time, and fetched thet bird down. Well, I was a mite too tired to chase after him too, so Uncle Adolf had hisself a feast.

But I will tell ya, with things gettin' a mite lean 'round here, and Rocky actin' up like thet, I am tempted y'all, durn tempted to sell off Rocky's family jewels purdy soon. Mebbe iff'n I pull out some of my ex-hubby Greg's jewels, and sell 'em off, then that Rocky will come to an understandin'.

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